DONATE

Being Yourself

Chasing Desires, Overlooking Fulfillment
April 19, 2023,
Episode 57

“When you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are this stillness, that you are this awareness, then it doesn’t matter what is on the surface.”

Human beings have a profound desire to realize a lasting peace. The question is where are we looking, and what desire are we actually chasing? In this very relatable exchange, we see how recurring desires to avoid pain, end confusion, or gain clarity are simply the play of the mind. True and lasting peace remains undisturbed by any phenomena, and we can discover that in our willingness to simply meet what is arising.

00:00 00:00

More Episodes of Being Yourself





“Who I am doesn’t need to be thought. It’s here. It’s already free of thought.”

In You Cannot Think Your Way Home, Gangaji invites us to stop following the next thought and fall into the living silence that is the truth of who we are. When our search for home through thoughts, experiences, and attainments truly comes to an end, we discover that we never left home—we are home itself.



“Who I am doesn’t need to be thought. It’s here. It’s already free of thought.” In...




I was in that place of "I give up. I don't know." And that's a very open place, actually.

On this month’s episode of Being Yourself: Self-Inquiry with Gangaji, we are honored to share Episode 4 of Finding Home, the six-part audio documentary series that traces Gangaji's spiritual journey. 

In the fourth episode, From Disillusionment to Awakening, Gangaji reflects on the disappointments, failures, and unexpected turns that led her to India and her life-changing meeting with Papaji. What appeared to be the end of a path became the doorway to a profound awakening. 

This intimate conversation is both a personal story and a listening journey—an invitation to discover that beneath uncertainty, disappointment, and disillusionment lies the possibility of discovering—home is here. 



I was in that place of "I give up. I don't know." And that's a very open place, actually. On...




“I encourage you to let your heart be broken. Waking up to yourself has nothing to do with forgetting the suffering of others as if it never existed.”

How do we reconcile the recognition of truth and peace with the suffering, cruelty, and devastating loss we see around us or even in our own lives? How do we face real heartbreak, given this paradox can’t be reconciled in our minds?

Rather than turning away from outrage or despair, Gangaji invites a direct meeting with them—and points to the possibility that even outrage and despair can become a doorway to truth



“I encourage you to let your heart be broken. Waking up to yourself has nothing to do with...


“It’s in fully seeing it all…that there is this undeniable yes in the core.”


“It’s in fully seeing it all…that there is this undeniable yes in the core.”


“The real healing of trauma is bringing your love and consciousness to it.”


“The real healing of trauma is bringing your love and consciousness to it.”


“If you are really, hopelessly lost, instantly you are found.”


“If you are really, hopelessly lost, instantly you are found.”


“Can you find a problem when the desire to attain anything is given up?”


“Can you find a problem when the desire to attain anything is given up?”


“There is conditioning in our mind streams, but what we are drawn by, what has brought us here, is closer and deeper than any conditioning.”











“There is conditioning in our mind streams, but what we are drawn by, what has brought us here,...


“The real challenge is to include all, every aspect of yourself. Even the aspect that hates can be loved.”











“The real challenge is to include all, every aspect of yourself. Even the aspect that hates can...

“We have overlooked what was actually innocent and was called stupid. We lost our stupidity and in that we lost our heart. Yet, we are haunted by the fear that we are still actually stupid.”


We fear being stupid or foolish and try to be brilliant and clever. It is an aspect of our human drive for survival. In this episode of Being Yourself, Gangaji speaks to the unnecessary suffering that can be created through the mind’s power to distinguish, delineate, and classify with ever greater subtlety. Without making that power wrong or bad, what if for just one moment, we give up that power and embrace our stupidity? What might be discovered?

“We have overlooked what was actually innocent and was called stupid. We lost our stupidity and in...

“You cannot learn the Self, you cannot learn Consciousness, you cannot learn Love, you cannot learn Trust, but you can learn how you deny that.”



After an essential experience of self-realization, we can re-identify with the definitions and concepts we hold about ourselves in our mind. How do we resolve the paradox of recognizing oneself as pure consciousness and being human, living an ordinary life? In this lively exchange, Gangaji speaks about the ways we fall back into patterns of egoic identification after an essential experience of self-realization.
“You cannot learn the Self, you cannot learn Consciousness, you cannot learn Love, you cannot...

“What deepens is the mind’s surrender because the mind’s whole job has been to never surrender.”


Even in the midst of uncertain times, we can recognize that what is always at peace is, in truth, who we are. How is it possible for us to retreat for just a moment from our mental strategies rooted in survival to recognize what we are overlooking—the very spaciousness of being? Can you let go of what you’re trying to get? Can you meet what you’re trying to get rid of?

“What deepens is the mind’s surrender because the mind’s whole job has been to never...
ALL EPISODES >>

Featured Episodes from A Conversation with Gangaji

The sense of freedom and intimacy that happens by the sheer willingness to be vulnerable can be life-changing, sometimes in ways we could never have expected. It takes courage to let down our defenses and expose the ways we feel wrong or afraid or embarrassed. But what about the times we are caught off guard, when we are put on the spot in ways that are not by our own choice? This month, Gangaji looks at voluntary and involuntary vulnerability and what role they play in living a fuller life. How can the willingness to be exposed put an end to suffering?
The sense of freedom and intimacy that happens by the sheer willingness to be vulnerable can be...
Alanis Morissette is known by million by the way she so rawly communicates the human experience through her songs. But over the years, she's also been willing to share her spiritual journey with all of us. In this very special episode of A Conversation with Gangaji Alanis Morissette talks to Gangaji about success and failure, the difference between pain and suffering, and the deeper meaning of living life dedicated to the truth.
Alanis Morissette is known by million by the way she so rawly communicates the human experience...
When we really stop and look at our lives there's a lot to be grateful for, even when it doesn't appear to be obvious. What's also true is that gratitude comes and goes. For some, gratitude seems to come easily. Does that have to do with one's upbringing or are some people just born that way? And is it okay if we don't feel grateful at times? How does one experience gratitude when life feels hard? Rather than seeking it, is gratitude possibly part of the fabric of who we truly are?
When we really stop and look at our lives there's a lot to be grateful for, even when it doesn't...
Our question this month is: What do we do when we are faced with the unthinkable? Perhaps it comes in the form of a difficult diagnosis, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or just witnessing man's inhumanity to man. How do we find a sense of love and peace when what we are experiencing feels like struggle? How do we know when to hang on and when to let go? And do people who have had profound spiritual awakenings experience difficulty differently than others? Gangaji's answer to that question is both surprising and humbling.
Our question this month is: What do we do when we are faced with the unthinkable? Perhaps it comes...
Perhaps it is something that every human being experiences at some point in the course of a lifetime, even if it's only once, even if it goes unrecognized. Gangaji refers to it as “the essential experience”. It's a moment when any identity with ourselves as a set of feelings, thoughts or circumstances is somehow absent. It can happen in nature, in the midst of a trauma or even when nothing in particular is happening. For some people this “essential experience” ignites a call to a bigger life. But the desire for it can also perpetuate the search for what is already here.
Perhaps it is something that every human being experiences at some point in the course of a...
In April of 1990, Gangaji (then Antoinette Varner) could never have imagined how drastically her life was about to change when she met her teacher, H.W.L Poonja (Papaji), on the banks of the Ganges river in India. She also could never begin to imagine the number of lives that would be changed as a result of that meeting. Taken from the previously unreleased pilot interview of A Conversation with Gangaji recorded back in 2011, Gangaji describes one of her most profound moments of awakening and the impact it had on her daily life. At the core, this conversation allows us to see what is possible in our own lives.
In April of 1990, Gangaji (then Antoinette Varner) could never have imagined how drastically her...
In a world where being in control and looking good are often equated with success and stability, telling the truth can be a very daunting thing to do. It requires the willingness to expose sadness, anger or fear. It is the courage to admit to the times we have betrayed ourselves and those around us. Although it can be painful, it is also hugely liberating. But is there more than the feeling of freedom that comes with telling what Gangaji refers to as the “relative” truth? Is there an ultimate truth? Beyond any concept, what exactly is the truth?
In a world where being in control and looking good are often equated with success and stability,...
Thoughts come in the form of an endless stream of considerations and evaluations. They are fueled by our hopes, dreams, insecurities, successes and failures. These thoughts seem so much a part of us that sometimes it's hard to imagine they're not real. But if, even for a moment, we stop following our thoughts, what is left? What is it that is actually trustworthy? Is it our intuition? And what about those of us who find ourselves living in our heads? What if our thoughts, no matter how convincing, ultimately are not true?
Thoughts come in the form of an endless stream of considerations and evaluations. They are fueled by...
How many times, in the name of being liked, have we withheld what we really wanted to say? How many times have we betrayed ourselves so we wouldn't be rejected or judged? Being “nice” potentially blocks us from intimacy with the people closest to us, not to mention ourselves. And what about the parts of us we just plain don't want anyone else to see? Our question this month is, what are the possibilities if we dare to let go of the strategy of being nice?
How many times, in the name of being liked, have we withheld what we really wanted to say? How many...
Although there can be great peace that comes with yoga, meditation and other rituals, there is one question that often goes uninspected when it comes to living a conscious life. And that is, what are the mantras that take up the other hours of our day, the ones about our finances, our health, our relationships? If we tell ourselves the truth, what are we really practicing between our practice? This month we are also talking about the relationship between having a spiritual practice and waking up. And finally, is there a true remedy for a racing mind?
Although there can be great peace that comes with yoga, meditation and other rituals, there is one...
It goes without saying that great value can be found in therapy and other forms of self-inspection. There is huge relief in facing our dark sides, healing our deeper wounds and finally feeling emotions we have been running from. But is there a way that we can work on ourselves and still miss the deeper freedom that we are actually in search of? Our conversation this month is, where does therapy end and and self-realization begin?
It goes without saying that great value can be found in therapy and other forms of self-inspection....
Some people have no fear of death while others brace against it, either consciously or unconsciously. If we do the best we can in life, if we live a conscious life, is it possible that we can somehow increase our own potential for a good death? Is there such a thing as making the wrong decision when it comes to death? As we struggle with subjects like prolonging life and assisted suicide, Gangaji opens the door for us to inspect our deepest fears around our own mortality. When we put all spiritual concepts aside, what does it mean to have a “good” death?
Some people have no fear of death while others brace against it, either consciously or...
From the time we are born we are bombarded with countless messages that tell us that in order to be fulfilled we need to be different than who we are. In our everyday lives our attention is directed to how we look, what we feel, what we have and how we behave. But how do these unavoidable aspects of life keep us engaged in the endless cycle of thinking we are actually a "thing" that constantly needs to be fixed? If ultimate peace is not found in losing the next pound, solving the next problem, making the next dollar or understanding the next teaching then where is it?
From the time we are born we are bombarded with countless messages that tell us that in order to be...
Going back through human history, there have been individuals who have had profound spiritual awakenings. As a result, they seem to possess a deeper understanding of what we might call God or stillness or presence. They are sometimes called “enlightened beings”. They stand before us as proof that we too can connect to this essential part of ourselves. For more than twenty years, Gangaji has said she's just like us, but how do our beliefs that she is different, that she has something we don't have, keep us from the exact thing that we are searching for?
Going back through human history, there have been individuals who have had profound spiritual...
What if in reality there is no God; that despite our spiritual beliefs and practices we discover that they are no more than mental concepts that somehow comfort us as human beings? What if peace and stillness are merely the result of the sophisticated inner workings of the brain? Are God and the brain the same? At the end of the day, the answer to that question may not even matter, but actually facing the core of our doubt might be the most important thing we ever do. Where is God? Where is stillness? What is true?
What if in reality there is no God; that despite our spiritual beliefs and practices we discover...
There are so many aspects that make up a human life: where we live, who we choose for a partner, what our spiritual beliefs are, how we want to raise our children, what political views we support. The list is certainly different for each of us. However, the least discussed and most vulnerable conversation we could have might be around the subject of sex. From sexual intimacy, to shame, to the tangle of addiction, today we're talking about facing the rawness of humanity and what that has to do with discovering the truth of who we are.
There are so many aspects that make up a human life: where we live, who we choose for a partner,...
Money is woven into our very sense of survival. We ask ourselves questions like: How will I make it? How can I keep it from going away? And once I have it, how can I get more? Being human requires having money to pay for what we need, but in this episode of a Conversation with Gangaji we'll take a look at the possibility that the root of the financial insecurity that most of us experience, whether we have a little or a lot, may not be about the money at all.
Money is woven into our very sense of survival. We ask ourselves questions like: How will I make it?...
It's absolutely normal for human beings to search for happiness. We all go about it in our own way. For some, it's the perfect job or being in a loving relationship. For others it is living in a beautiful house, becoming a parent, reaching for the next peak experience, or simply ending the pain we can feel inside ourselves. In this episode, Gangaji suggests that in our search for personal happiness, we overlook the happiness that is already here. Is our willingness to be unhappy the key to discovering the happiness we were searching for in the first place?
It's absolutely normal for human beings to search for happiness. We all go about it in our own way....
Love can be blissful and in the next moment it can be unexpectedly painful. How is it that we sometimes reject the exact thing we are longing for? Can a heart be healed once it's been broken? Is there hope for fear of commitment? What are we willing to give up in the name of love?
Love can be blissful and in the next moment it can be unexpectedly painful. How is it that we...
There are countless types of addictions. Some are deadly and some are so engrained they go almost overlooked. But whether our addiction is to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, technology, relationships, or even the subtle addiction to thought itself, they are all guaranteed to result in suffering in some way. In this episode, Gangaji addresses addiction from all sides. We will take a look at the physical component, what is discovered when we don't give into the force of a craving and how addictions serve as a distraction from the discomfort that we perceive is too hard to face. Is it possible that addiction is actually a doorway for us to return home?
There are countless types of addictions. Some are deadly and some are so engrained they go almost...
ALL EPISODES >>

Featured Episodes from Epiphany

Episode #7
The Fierce Fire of Grace
Stevie Leppard had everything anyone could want on the outside, lots of money, fancy cars, a successful career, but on the inside his own self-hatred felt intolerable. Suicide seemed like the only way out. It was grace that would eventually save him, but it was a fierce grace.  How Stevie would go on to meet Gangaji is just part of his amazing story.
Stevie Leppard had everything anyone could want on the outside, lots of money, fancy cars, a...
Episode #6
A Gap in the Road
It was the middle of the night.  Harriet Watson was driving down a dark, snow-covered road alone, barely able to see what was in front of her.  Suddenly, she was startled by a loud thud.  In the moments that followed, her life would change forever.  From the frustration of a life of rigid rules and beliefs to the experience of profound freedom, this story is a testament to the trustworthiness of life.
It was the middle of the night.  Harriet Watson was driving down a dark, snow-covered road alone,...
Episode #5
Saved by a Poem
When you see Kim Rosen on stage performing poetry, she exudes a distinct sense of certainty. But the truth is that for a period of her life she suffered from a particular type of fear that was profoundly painful. Her prayer to be released from it's confines would be answered two different times. And both times that grace came in the form of a poem. In the end, Kim’s story wasn’t about making her fear go away. It was about meeting it and doing life anyway, in a most extraordinary way.
When you see Kim Rosen on stage performing poetry, she exudes a distinct sense of certainty. But the...
Episode #4
The Last Hustle: From Impossible Darkness to Unthinkable Light
Kenny Johnson was trapped in a life that seemed impossible to escape. You could call it a kind of hell. More than twenty years in prison, sometimes just fighting for his life. What he wanted was just to be free. What happened to him was beyond his wildest imagination. This month's epiphany story is about amazing grace. It's about discovering light in the darkest of places.
Kenny Johnson was trapped in a life that seemed impossible to escape. You could call it a kind of...
Episode #3
The Bridge Between Love and Hate
In October of 1998, a talented musician named Craig Johnson, along with millions around the world, was rocked to his core by the brutal murder of Matthew Shepard. It was a hate crime, a hate crime against gays. In the years that followed Matthew Shepard's death, although they never met, he and Craig would become brothers in the deepest sense.  At the core of Craig's story is the question, is love present in the midst of the unthinkable?
In October of 1998, a talented musician named Craig Johnson, along with millions around the world,...
Episode #2
The Medicine Woman
Mica Carew comes from a long lineage of medicine women. Her grandmother taught her that if you quiet the mind you can hear another person's body.  And from the age of nine, that's the medicine she practiced.  In her twenties, she turned her back on her native medicine.  It was a sincere and desperate prayer for help that took her on a journey she never could have imagined.
Mica Carew comes from a long lineage of medicine women. Her grandmother taught her that if you quiet...
Episode #1
Teachings From Grief
Trained as a hospice nurse, Carole Downing held the act of tending to people as they died as an honor and a privilege.   In her early forties, the mother of a young son, the unexpected death of her husband forced Carole to face death in a way she had never done before.  What she learned in the midst of her grief is a lesson for us all.
Trained as a hospice nurse, Carole Downing held the act of tending to people as they died as an...
ALL EPISODES >>

All Episodes Now Streaming. Learn More

Meet gangaji live

Attend live meetings with Gangaji and a global community in an intimate and potent online environment for self-discovery.

“I am here for you. We are here for each other. We are all in this together.”

PLUS A Rich Resource for Your Spiritual Inquiry

by theme

videos

podcasts

blogs

quotes

events highlights

Your membership includes a free audio download each month from our online store.
“Thank you so much for the last meeting! It was as if everything was spoken especially for me. My heart is overflowing…”—M, Germany
Join With Gangaji
Community Video Screening
Sunday, August 16th, 2026 11:00 AM PDT
This is a block of text. Double-click this text to edit it.
Theme: Theme Coming Soon
Join us for a monthly community video screening hosted by Gangaji staff. More...
MEDIA LIbrary

For access to all podcast series, all episodes join the With Gangaji Media Library. Plus videos, blogs, courses and more. Learn More

file-emptydownloadexit-up