It was a delight speaking with Gangaji about living with Parkinson’s. How could speaking about this crippling condition be a delight? That’s what it is when I dispel the beliefs I held about disease. It is also a delight when I experience Parkinson’s from the field of Being instead of from the mortal coil of a tangled body and mind.

Ten years ago, when my doctor announced his diagnosis, it felt like a death sentence. “There is no cure,” he said. “The physical impairment only gets worse.” Hearing these bleak words, my body contracted and felt as if it would be crushed under the weight of what was to come.  For the next two years I lived in panic, searching everywhere for a way out. Wherever I turned, however, Parkinson’s blocked my path.  Within the tangle of stiff and aching muscles, moving my body became more difficult. I believed that having a chronic illness was a catastrophic failure on my part. It was something to be deeply ashamed of.

Then I heard the words Gangaji conveyed from her teacher, Papaji, “Call off the search! Stop!” This seemingly simple phrase opened my body and mind to profound peace. This peace was vibrantly alive and profoundly aware. It did not come and go as the sensations in my body did.  Over time I found that every bodily sensation could become an invitation to fathom deeper peace and aliveness of being.

In this way, Parkinson’s became an ally in opening to peace, freedom and love within the unnamable presence that is aware of these experiences. It has shown me that any and every form, sound, color and other sensation can be an opening to this nurturing field of Being. When I meet the contracted sensations of Parkinson’s I notice awareness meeting itself in a nameless, formless field within which pain and pleasure dance. Whatever is here is free from the jailhouse of what I think I want and liberated in the field of being. Here, joy dances with abandon. In gratitude, I appreciate the power of Gangaji’s invitation to meet what is. My heart expands in the presence of this compassionate welcome.

My relationship with Parkinson’s has transformed completely. Before, I experienced it as a limiting condition to be treated with exercise, medication and a healthy diet. I still take care of my body in these ways, but I now see Parkinson’s as an unexpected ally in opening to ever deeper awakening.

Anthony Lawlor

Anthony spoke with Gangaji in a recent monthly online meeting.