1. The Only Reality

After I spoke with you Gangaji, I had the experience of the fullness of love, the depth of it, the expansiveness of it, the totality of it, inseparable from anything and everything. At the same time, this fear and terror appeared, and under that a heavy grief, and more terror. As I descended into the belly of the beast, so to speak, I saw a visual somehow of this field of love stretching across the cosmos, and stretching into my belly. I saw that it surrounded, permeated, and infused all that is, from the largest to the smallest, from the most gross to the most subtle, inside and outside.

I thanked my Beloved Teacher for showing me just how much I can stretch. That challenged my mind, or I, to stretch further than I ever even wanted to, to point my face towards the vast unknown, and invite me into the depths of realization, through my own direct experience, facing everything, and nothing. To face my true Self, and be humbled by my mind’s inability to grasp at it, and to finally surrender into the recognition that it has me, it grasps me, always.

I simultaneously felt the joy of love and the despair of this moment in my human life, and it dawned on me the elasticity of my consciousness. I realized how it truly is true - I am free no matter what. There is so much open space to include it all, and it is possible to recognize love even in hell, to see who I am, in any moment of any time, in any emotion, and in every face.

I felt that these emotions were appropriate and valid to an extent, but without the fuel of the fear of fear, the terror surrounding feeling grief, without the resistance of my mind, there was simple vast openness. And in this openness, a lot of their charge diminished, and I was able to turn and face all that I felt inside of me.

I could say my mind, or I, had conceived myself to be bound to this body, fixed in space and time, trapped between the bars of birth and death. Upon my mind, or I, discovering its source, I saw (and ever deeper see over time) these confines and definitions and bars are not as solid and fixed and real as I had once assumed. This free, limitless conscious space of my true Self is seen to hold it all. There is infinite room for it all. And somehow in this recognition, what once felt real no longer felt real, and what once felt impossible, invisible, too good to be true, showed itself to be the only Reality.

Long story short: I’m very flexible, I can reach into hells and heavens, and I am still as I am.

2. These Times Are Tough

These times are tough, undoubtedly. Lately, I have felt incredibly overwhelmed, distraught, and furious at times, in terror and despair at other times, in escapism and ignoring for relief at others. I knew I needed help, and I asked for it from a friend. My friend is a black woman who is incredibly smart and kind, and full of wisdom. She told me this is not new to her, and that if I wanted support, I should turn to those who have endured this terror for generations.

I asked her for support, and in that I had expressed that I felt evil and racism and bigotry were somehow on the rise, that it was spreading and getting larger by the day, and that this hopelessness inside of me grew larger at the thought of it.

She told me again, this hopelessness inside is not new to her and her community. And she said something that shifted everything for me: “There is no rise in racism or evil, there is a rise of Truth.”

I felt this wave of light burst, and I saw how true what she said was in an instant. She told me the evil has always been here, that racism and bigotry are not new to humanity. What is new is the Light of Truth spreading farther and wider. The view of compassion and inclusion and acceptance of all for who they are is rising. It is because of the light that the shadows become so glaring.

It is because of the Truth that the lies become so apparent.

Really, that shifted everything. In her words, I no longer felt despair and hopelessness. I found strength, an incredible possibility of the human spirit, to stand immovably as this pillar of Truth.

She gave me permission to sit in this strength, to sit in the place of Truth, to not let the evil move me one inch from this Vigil to what is True and is Goodness itself.

And what a relief I feel now. Because I no longer have to tell myself the story that evil is winning, a story fueled by terror. I can tell myself a different story, where evil isn’t winning, it is only more apparent because of the Light, a story infused by realization and fresh insight. And ultimately, I am free to tell no story at all.

Thank you all for everything. I am who I am because of you.

Love you all.

Trent