The Willingness to Open - Part II

“Our most prevalent form of suffering is in seeking to avoid emotional pain, and this is the search that needs to be called off. There is nothing wrong with pain. Pain is simply part of the texture of life, and it can be opened to.”

Participant: Hi Gangaji. I often find myself cutting off from others, withdrawing and separating myself. My question to you is this: “How do I stop?”

Gangaji: The powers to withdraw from others and to separate yourself are powers you have learned and practiced. Perhaps there have been times when these powers were appropriate, but for the purposes of our investigation right now, are you willing to give these powers up?

Yes, I am certainly willing. It’s why I’m here. It’s causing me a lot of depression.

Wonderful! You have become aware that although these powers may give you some safety, or sense of safety, ultimately, they also cause you suffering. This level of maturity is necessary for seeing that the power to separate yourself is limited, and what you truly want is more than this power can deliver. The answer to your question, how do I stop, is simple. When the temptation arises to reclaim your powers of withdrawal and separation, you just don’t touch it. You don’t engage with it. To support that choice, it can be helpful to investigate exactly how this strategy plays out. Are you aware that these powers of withdrawal and separation take some doing, some steps?

Oh yes. First there is jealousy, and then maybe some comparison.

Okay, that’s perfect. First are jealousy and comparison, and then what?

Inadequacy.

Yes, a story of inadequacy. And, I would also suspect there is some insecurity and fear.

Yes.

Then what happens?

I guess there is an avoidance of feeling the hurt.

Yes, that’s right, there is an avoidance of feeling the hurt. Now, let’s go deeper into that. What are the steps in avoiding this feeling of hurt? What do you tell yourself? There must be some kind of inner mantra that goes along with that.

Yes, I want to avoid that feeling, so I become defensive. I want to hit out.

What do you say inside yourself?

You know, it happens so quick I don’t even think about it.

Yes, but now we are slowing… it … down. We are in slow motion so that you can see it very clearly. It happens quickly because you are very practiced at it. You are adept at it. Just like when driving a car, you don’t think about what the steps are except when you are teaching someone else how to drive a car. Then you realize, “Aha, first this has to happen, and then this, and then this.” Now I am asking you to teach me how it is you withdraw. What are the steps? It seems so natural that it “just happens,” but it doesn’t just happen and now you’ve seen the leadup to it.

Okay, well, it’s like I say to myself, “I just want to go blank here.”

That’s perfect, the first step is to go blank, and then …?

Then I am going to withdraw and move back.

Okay, now I am withdrawing and moving back. Then what has to happen?

Then I want to run away.

Yes, that makes sense. I can do that. (Gangaji pulls away.) And then what?

That’s good (laughing) And then I get a lot of adrenaline.

Okay, lots of adrenaline. And where does that adrenaline come from?

How do I generate that? Umm, I’m not sure.

Well, let’s see! You’re teaching me, remember?

Okay, yes! Then I have to get really angry.

Angry at someone who is causing me to run away?

Yes.

Perfect. Now I’ve got an inner story of running away based on a story of inadequacy, along with some comparison and feelings of jealousy. But now the trick is to involve somebody else who caused this story.

Yes, because they deserted me.

They deserted you. Now I can start to feel the story right in here (Gangaji clenches her hands over her heart in angst). “They have deserted me.”

They did! This is not hard after all guys (looking at the audience and laughing). Now, where were we?

We are unwinding the story that was so tightly wrapped you didn’t even know it was there. It seems like something that just happens, but now we’ve gotten to the point of seeing we are victimized in two ways: First, I feel victimized by this feeling of jealousy that arises in me. Secondly, someone else is to blame for it. Now, we’ve got to escape. Teach me the steps to escape. What happens physiologically in my body? What happens in my emotions? How do I go blank? How do I withdraw? How do I hide?

I stop talking.

Okay, I stop talking.

I clench my teeth.

Okay, the teeth are clenched. What happens to the eyes?

They’re like stone.

Stone eyes.

Very cold.

Yes, very cold. And my body, is there a posture that goes with it?

Yes, slumped, like a victim. Slumped and round-shouldered.

All of this takes some effort, doesn’t it?

It does! (laughing) There is a lot of energy that goes into it, and I am tired also of fighting the depression.

Then what’s the solution? You see all the steps. I’m sure there are many more steps, but those are at least enough to see that at any point along the way you can say to yourself, “Stop. I am right now in this moment giving up the power to close down.” Then, you sit up straight, you open your eyes to this person, and you say, “I am feeling hurt,” or “I am feeling hurt and I’m blaming you,” or perhaps, even, “I love you.”

(Participant visibly relaxes.)

Isn’t this easier?

It is.

Yes, it is! This is the truth we don’t want to tell because we have so much invested in these powers we’ve developed. We think they are so special. We think they are protecting us, and to give them up means we will be unprotected and will have to experience this pain. Now you see that in protecting yourself, you still experience pain. What a bad joke you have played on yourself. If this protection actually worked, it would be another matter, but the protection only augments the pain and turns it into suffering. The suffering is in seeking to avoid the pain, and that is the search that needs to be called off. There is nothing wrong with pain, which you will realize when you stop seeking to avoid it. Pain is simply part of the texture of life, and it can be opened to. If the preciousness of life is being lived in avoidance of hurt, the result is a dead life filled with unnecessary suffering.

Let’s say, as part of the human experience, there is the pain of jealousy. You can diagnose the jealousy and spin a narrative as to why it should or shouldn’t be there, or you can simply feel the jealousy. You can recognize, “I feel jealous. I feel hurt. I feel fearful. I love.” Then what will you do? Withdraw, hate, close off? Or just hurt and love?

I recommend hurting and loving.

There is a beauty, then, to this hurt, this most human emotion. An experience of hurt is simply an experience of hurt. Then the love is not covered. Then you don’t have to go stony, collapse, blank out, strike out, or withdraw. You simply hurt and you love.