Letter I
Lost and Found
Dearest Gangaji,
I have been crossing a desert or a dry plain. Barren land? Perhaps. The direction is not clear. I feel lost and at the same time I know that feelings cannot be trusted. The accompanying thoughts lead me further into what I refer to as “feeling lost” and the question: can I simply honor that feeling by allowing it, being with it? I recognize this feeling is not the truth but an indicator or a signal that I am searching again, looking for solutions to the problem of “me” and wishing things were different.
I hear it again from you: “feelings cannot be trusted,” and realize it is an invitation to stop repeating the habit. Can I say yes to that? I have repeatedly done so, and then slipped back… into believing the feelings again. I know they are not accurate. They’re too tied in with opinions, thoughts, mind’s preoccupation with survival and keeping me safe.
What is it though, this yearning? This yes to the call, to truly being home? Thirsty for the source, I paradoxically run away from the inner fountain, the inner spring, looking for it somewhere else. There seems to be a deep-seated fear, a terror even, that is a force (or resistance) against the essential spring of life. It feels very real and I am frightened. I’m not alone with this because I hear it from countless participants in your Satsangs. They report these things and discover what is underneath all of those phenomena: concepts of mind, thought play and mind storms, the drama of egoic life, of life on earth as a human animal.
My heart is breaking and my brain feels like it is dissolving. This seems to transport me into a space that is timeless and of a different realm. I wonder how I will ever function here on earth again, how I will organize time, plan things – even the most every-day, banal stuff like dressing, shopping, making beds…
You remind me that it is a call to surrender, a call to letting my ego drop right into the longing for truth, for freedom.
It is so very strong, scary, wild. Will I survive it? Do I tame it?
“Who is the I?” you ask.
I’m no longer in control of anything. I know that all is just fine as it is. This is exactly where I need to be - burning in no-man’s land - all basic needs met, yet feeling a thirst and hunger that seem like they will never be satisfied by anything.
I realize I can let myself to be consumed by longing itself, the whole “me-ness” taken and swallowed whole by the One I, the One boundless Ocean of consciousness.
Letter II
I am silence
Dearest Gangaji,
Here I am, still here… I am still breathing, my heart is still beating, my mind still turning, the flowers still opening. I have got back after a trip away. It feels good to be back in the saddle, to let the conversations, deep questions, the inquiries penetrate. There are many moments, glimpses, recognition of self, of this oneness, the fiction of mind and all the stories I get caught in. Even that is a story - a story about getting caught or being taken away from myself, a story of being lost or in any way not here, present, aware, awake.
Have I truly met this aspect of human beingness and so had a direct experience? Have I really allowed myself to be taken? No holding on?
I notice a clinging to the image of me, to what people think, and try to please others whilst not getting too involved, too committed. It’s confusing being a sensitive human being. The pull towards unlovability, repulsion, self-hatred, depression feels huge. It feels all-consuming. That, too, is illusion, a mind state, a belief and deeply ingrained conviction that I am separate, no right to be here, let alone breathe, express, show off the vibrancy and aliveness I feel so strongly inside.
Can I stand in that, allow it and not try to fix it, throw it away, get rid of it or escape from the discomfort of it?
Perhaps. I need your support. You are so far away. I’d so much like to go on an in-person retreat with you, Gangaji. They are also far away. So far. Yet possible surely. Surely
In the meantime, I will just be here, this vulnerable human, burning in the paradox.
Thank you for being with me, Gangaji. I feel your presence deep in my cells and then I know I do not have to go anywhere, I do not have to do anything, I can be still and silence will show me the way.
In silence is love, peace, freedom.
I am silence.
Letter III
Right Here, shining bright
Dearest Gangaji,
I just wanted to write you a few lines. I am just turning up! My mind is in attack mode. I feel like I have been jettisoned into that strange and difficult place of no direction, worthlessness, story-of-my-life-ness – and am powerless. Mind rattles on about how I have wasted time, years and decades, being lazy, unfocused, consumed with the feeling of being bad and guilty for being privileged and not making the most of it. It scolds: “You have an ungenerous heart because you are resentful of having to give or share with others.”
Is this true? Some of it maybe, but I know it’s mostly just the mind’s usual rant, the wheel of conditioning turning and not fully the truth.
You have taught me, Gangaji, that I can inquire about what is still here regardless of all that noise. You ask: What is present? What is untouched by that? That’s where I now place the attention. I drop into that which is present, surrender to that which is untouched. How? By not continuing the habit of following the mind’s noise, all the stories and narratives of who I am. By stopping and knowing who I am. There are no answers outside of me, in books or other people.
The answer is here, right now, in my very own pocket – shining bright, obvious and true.
And I am forever thankful to you for showing me that.
Letter IV
Thoughts and Complaints Transform
Dearest Gangaji,
What to say? I’m kind of fed up of all these thoughts and complaining voice inside my head. What if this is it for the rest of my life? This mind, this crazy mind! How it spouts such self- loathing! What would you say, Gangaji? What would you have me look at, inquire into?
What is beneath that? Where is the self-loathing located? Can I find it or is it just the thoughts, an endless thought stream gushing through? Check and see!
My body actually feels all tingly and full of aliveness. The cells are zinging. The body seems to feel quite happy and at ease. No self-loathing there.
Can this mind allow that? All that aliveness? That sense of being at home in a body?
Can I relax and love myself just as I am, just now, just this moment? Not do anything to earn love - just be here as Love?
In some ways I know I am Love, of course, and in other ways I don’t. I close down, hide away, and avoid any kind of conflict or confrontation or criticism. Such vulnerability. Such sensitivity. I recognize these as good qualities to have under some circumstances. But they are not helpful when generally out and about in the world.
Yet this is it! This is it! This is what I get to work with. I know I could find strategies to change this, do some behavioral therapy or find ways to work better with my awkwardness, inhibitions, arrogance and fears of being a flawed human being (or rather, of showing the world that awfully flawed side of me.) What do I fear? Rejection? Ostracizing? Yes, I do.
That’s quite normal and sane, I hear you say, Gangaji. It has to do with years of conditioning and a need to survive.
I have survived! I am here. And now I can surrender to it.
And I do. I drop off the cliff into the abyss. And something quite miraculous happens - that most dreaded thing I feared turns out to be air currents. I do not even need to flap a wing or do anything but be myself - a unique being in a vast and seamless sky.
Letter V
I ask. You respond.
Dearest Gangaji,
I ask:
What do I want? A purpose in life, something to truly commit to.
What will that give me? A sense that I am useful and making use of this precious life.
What do I want? To love myself and others unconditionally.
What will that give me? A feeling of being whole, of belonging, of having a right to be here.
What do I want? Peace of mind.
What will that give me? Peace.
What do I want? To let go of the fear of being judged, labelled and falling short.
What will that give me? Freedom.
***
You respond:
What if right now you have exactly what it is you yearn for?
In this very moment, stop and check it out.
***
I check it out:
In this moment, I feel spacious and at peace with life as it is presenting itself. I am that spacious awareness. I am simply aware of aliveness and that seems to be enough in this moment. From that place of freshness and innocence, I am confident I can live a fulfilled life.
Will I say yes to that? Can I surrender to the unknown?
I am scared and there are many troubling thoughts about the future. Yet, I do say yes. I realize that what I am looking for in the future is already here, hidden in the present moment, in the Is-ness and Here-ness. I am Here. From that place, I live. The thoughts are strong, come in droves, in swarms, and they can sting. Yet I can recognize them as “just thoughts” and stop following them, stop letting them take over, stop believing them as statements of truth, and keep returning to this moment, to now space. I trust life is taking me exactly where I need to go.
Thank you for holding my hand all the way along the way, Gangaji.
Letter VI
Mind (Re)turns to Love
Dearest Gangaji,
I have been experiencing the negative, judgmental mind big time for many weeks. It has come up during a time of great upheaval in my life situation.
I have no idea how this new chapter will be and I am concerned that it will be ruled by the many habits that often seem to run my life. I’m fully aware of them when they are active and yet I still let myself be caught up in them. The main habit trio are: lethargy, procrastination and defeatism (among dozens of others.)
Gangaji, I have been asking your advice and have been hearing you repeating: “Meet them all! Don’t miss this opportunity to stop and inquire into the mind’s power and who you truly are.”
***
Diana: When I don’t continue the habits, I sort of do know who I am. Yet the habits are powerful, strong and have momentum. They seem very determined to continue ruling this life.
Gangaji: Where are lethargy, procrastination and defeatism? Are they real?
Diana: I can’t find them. Oops, there they are! Aha, but only when the thought appears.
***
I follow each thought back to its source: “Lethargic am I.” “Procrastinator am I.” “Defeatist am I.”
How interesting! Mind seems to disarm willingly, drops the power it has over me.
I ask mind if it will help me serve Love. Mind says, “Yes, I will. I will gladly become servant to your heart and go wherever it wishes to go.”
Thank you, Gangaji, Mind and I sound these words in unison:
I am here to serve love. I am servant to your heart. Take me, I am yours.
Letter VII
You are Vigilance and You Hold Our Hands
Dearest Gangaji,
This wish to be somewhere different, for things to be different to how they are, is strong. I know that they are just thoughts. Where I am now feels extremely unknown and wobbly, so of course the mind tries to rescue me by thinking me out of it. Deep inside, I know that this moment is actually full of potential: a momentous moment for the soul. I realize that I am being invited to enter it, surrender to it, allow myself to dip in and swim in its vibrant flow and glow. It is infinitely rich and made of joy. Yet, I must be vigilant, mindful not to grab onto it or try to mould it into a shape that my mind thinks it should be, or that my imagination or fantasy wants. Fear is here. Yet I know I have support, full support, from this that holds it all, this that is aware, this consciousness that is here, eternally present and omnipresent.
And you hold my hands, Gangaji. You hold the hands of everyone who wants that. For as long as you live, your physical form and presence are a beautiful guiding force - a lighthouse of support for those accepting the invitation to stop, see who we are, who I am.
There is great power in that for me, for us. It not only points to my own calling to be responsible, it reinforces my conviction and willingness to truly live in service to love. More than anything, I want to live from wholeness, from the vibrancy I see reflected in your being - a fully realized being in human form with all the flaws that go with that.
I recognize how much vigilance it takes just be here as I am, to neither cause more suffering to myself or others, nor to take on suffering. The work is vigilance. I embrace that gleefully no matter how many times I get caught in all the drama and stories, believing I am far, far from home.
Stopping is my best friend. And so, I choose to stop over and over: stop kicking the wheel, stop holding back, stop believing all those stories and narratives about being an unworthy creature, stop hiding and pretending I don’t belong or have the right to a life, a full life, here on earth. I become still.
Here I am. I’m alive.
I am of the same infinite light as you are. And our light is inviting all of us out into the open playing field of love.
Letter VIII
The Worst that can Happen?
Dearest Gangaji,
Here I am. I am alive. I am in touch with that light that I am, the stardust, and I know that whatever happens, it’s not happening to me, not hindering me or punishing me. How can light be hindered, punished? Everything is here to be met, to be embraced and seen that it is in fact all part of who I am, who we are as human beings.
Gangaji, you meet me in meeting myself. You ask: what is the worst that can happen?
Of course, terrible things can happen, undeniably, but in this moment, you say, if you allow yourself to meet that which your mind says is in the way, what is the worst that can happen? What is the worst that can happen? Yes, the worst that can happen. In this moment? Yes, in this moment, the worst that can happen?
My answer: I will lose the ground I have gained; I will be rejected; I will not have any friends; I will die – no more Diana. No more Diana.
That’s right. So, what is here?
I am here. I am alive. I am in touch with the light that I am, the stardust. No-thing happens to me. I am no-thing. Amen.
I bow in deep reverence and gratitude, to You, to Life, to Love.
Letter IX:
Intention
Dearest Gangaji,
My intention is to be of service. I want to serve, period. So, this question arises: how can I serve?
This is what you whisper into my ear: bring along your willingness, your strong and open heart, and some enthusiasm for vigilance.
And so, I endeavor to bring my whole self here to this and every moment.
The cynic, the critic, the sceptic as well as the array of captivating stories of victimhood, of poor-me, of worthlessness and brokenness, all have space on the back seat of this service vehicle. They are here too, but they are not going to be doing the driving, Heart is.
Heart can manage beautifully and has the support of many. That has been proven over and over again.
And I have the support and solidarity of many: inside me and around me in my spiritual Sangha, and you, Gangaji.
Thank you for being here.
I love you.
Letter X
End of Story
Dearest Gangaji,
The stories and narratives in my head, in my mind can be quite relentless. The habitual one is that I am unliked and despised (downright hated) by most and so must keep my head down, remain small and unseen.
Is this so? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. What does Gangaji say?
She says, “Don’t touch those thoughts, especially the self-judging kind. Abandon them and go straight to the inquiry. Now, in this moment, be utterly, completely disliked, despised and unworthy of anyone’s attention or respect. What is here?”
I inquire into what is right here, fresh, without judgement, and see if I can find that “me” who is disliked, despised, hated.
I sit with it for a while, allow it to be unresolved, hold it without an agenda to rid myself of it, just discover what is here, really. As I do, many stories come. Then things settle. Then stories come again, this time more relentless. Then things settle again. I breathe. I pause.
I cannot for the life of me find the disliked, despised, and hated one.
I keep on returning to this place where I do not know what to do or where to start except that I hear Gangaji’s voice through it all and it sounds trustworthy and true. Over again I am encouraged to simply inquire, to become curious, to keep on investigating what is beneath the story of this defective “me”.
Does anything really keep me from who I truly am? Really? Surely there needs to be someone kicking the wheel of suffering? Who or what is it that enables the stories to keep on holding me and others prisoner? Keep me and others small and powerless?
I welcome that one into my heart. Fully.
And in she comes. I feel her arrival. Then I look for her. There is no-one there. Just this space - enormous and open and free. It seems to hold everything: all the stories of the many inadequate “Me’s”, of all of the human race. It is pure radiance. I bow down and know without a doubt that this is true.
End of story.
Simply, the end.
No more story.
