Beloved Gangaji, beloved Sangha friends,
This letter is a personal letter to Gangaji that I want to share with all of you, too. Now, after two years of dealing with health issues and listening with great regularity to your wisdom, I have recovered enough to entrust these words to my keyboard.
We have never met or spoken to each other in person. Yet, in the deepest depths of our being, we have met each other. How? That is a story in itself that needs to be told and shared.
Due to a series of brain injuries, since April 2019 my body became increasingly immobile and dependent. I was barely able to read, write or communicate, often with bed as my “best friend.”
Fortunately, my hearing remained intact so that I could hear your invitation. This happened during one of those moments when I was listening on my laptop to meditative music interspersed with talks by my favorite spiritual master Osho, who had encouraged me to find a living master.
I awoke as all thinking STOPPED.
Suddenly and unexpectedly a clear, powerful voice spoke the inviting words: “Who are you? Be still and wait!! Are you willing to see what is immutable? Stop looking outside of yourself for a solution.” I awoke as all thinking STOPPED.
The voice continued to resonate inside me and the words kept resonating in my head. It didn’t take long before I discovered that the voice was yours, Gangaji. At that moment, I knew that I had found my new master, as Osho had recommended. As soon as was possible, I registered as a member.
My soul has always longed for home and I immediately recognized the radical invitation to stop. From the moment I truly heard your message, I experienced silence at a deeper level than I could ever have imagined, and this goes on. I now live my life consciously every second.
I'm off the hook!
Now I notice straight away when a story starts, threatening to put me “on the wheel” again. Recognizing this gives me absolute joy and freedom. I'm off the hook!
“The word STOP threw me like a fish back into the ocean of Love, Truth and Freedom… finally I discovered that I have always been at home in the source from which all life arises and returns.”
Because my nervous system is easily overstimulated, I have (until now) been unable to participate in the monthly meetings or retreats. Also, it is still difficult to read or respond to postings on the forum.
Still, I'm always there. Listening to your loving voice continues to uplift and nourish. I experience frequent moments of an overwhelming sense of infinite gratitude.
Paralyzing fear, horror, anger and disappointment.
Then suddenly my bliss is broken by unsolicited images of the decay of our beautiful planet which start appearing before my eyes. I feel paralyzing fear, horror, anger and disappointment. At the same time, I sense the total absence of joy. This frozen state lasts more than 30 minutes. I become aware of the despair and feel deep depression approaching – feelings that I have experienced before and pushed away for much of my life. But now I have a choice and I invite these feelings so that I can go beyond them and transform them.
Over and over, but with only partial success, I tried to let go of the story and the images and turn inwards for self-examination.
It wasn't until the next day that I could talk about what the images had evoked in me. The rigidity resulted from the fear my little girl inside was experiencing. As a child, stories about an approaching end of the world were commonplace. She tried to avoid the news reports as best she could. Often, she would hide in the corner of a dark closet to shut out the violence and avoid hearing the Bible prophecies. Fear of death became her daily companion and even when she later became pregnant, she experienced the meaninglessness for the unborn child. Added to this was the guilt that she, out of selfish motives, brought this child into a world that would only cause even more death and destruction.
By sharing this I started to recognize that I have lived in avoidance and denial for a very long time. The little girl had no choice, but the adult does. Only now can I surrender to the rigidity, powerlessness, despair, sadness and fear and see them for what they are: stories.
The sun breaking through
A bright light appeared beneath all those layers, and a burst of laughter dispelled the shadows… I am back in the here-and-now, the source of silence that has never left me. I have no more questions… they have gone up in smoke and I now live in complete peace with myself and Existence.
Since meeting you, beloved Gangaji, silence, joy, love and freedom have never left me, despite physical pain and discomfort. In trust, surrender and the willingness to let go of this particular life form, including all hope for recovery, I experience miraculously how life gently flows back into me. Such a gift!
I am aware when a story pops up… and now I have a choice to go inward for self-examination or to stop. My mind is open, my heart is open! There is space for everything in the ground of existence.
Thank you, beloved Gangaji, for dedicating your life to Truth and absolute Freedom! I recognize myself in you. There is no difference between you and me: only unity and love.
Thank you too, beloved Sangha, for consciously living your precious life in Truth!
With deep love and gratitude,